A friend died a few days ago, the day before New Years Eve. Cancer
Like that explains her all
We grew up together. I was six when she was born
We played Pirates in the tree house and picked rations of ‘Banana Passionfruit’ and mandarines filled with seeds; me, my sister, her and her sister. We came in that order
I remember the mixture of lightness and dark in their house
Crinkled sunlight through the old, frosted windows; dust and shadows by the piano; political cartoons about Kakadu in the loo and old postcards; the warmth of sun on their enclosed verandah and picking flowers together in the garden; bike pants, sneakers and gap teeth
When birthday parties came and our families joined together, us kids playing on the twilight hill of the bowling club while orders were settled
I was the eldest
I was the protector
I remember when Maree began primary school, then high school- six years between us, two more than her sister
I was always far ahead
I remember her pony camp and when she wanted only to be called Elizabeth (though it wasn’t her name)
There was a comfort to afternoons we spent wandering their block of land etched in rainforest
I moved away for university
But we still did things in the holidays
Inaugrual birthdays and often Christmas day. The talk was different and the ‘games’ not the same
I used to write to her on Facebook when she started uni. She came Dux of her year and chose engineering
She seemed happy
Later I remember a first boyfriend
I came home less for holidays by then but we still caught up on birthdays
The common tie was home.
She moved to Newcastle for work
Still had her boyfriend
I remember a few years ago my mother told me she had been ill
Eventually it was cancer. We hadn’t seen each other in a while by then. I hoped she would get well
Life was busy. It was for her too
Her status updates showed travel, friends, family
Her hair got shorter
But she still looked beautiful in her wedding photos
She glowed
This Christmas my mother told me the doctors said there was nothing more they could do
A family Christmas, she was sitting and looked swollen in pictures
But so content. With all her family there
She died the day before New Years Eve. I heard after work the next day
I was the eldest of us. I still am, but there is a hole where she was
I couldn’t protect her. I sent love to her mother and sister through Facebook- funny how times change for a family who lived so long without the internet, or even a television
It feels inadequate and foreign with distance
Clumsy. I guess death itself is a distanceĀ and the people left behind must find their way too in grief
I still remember when we were young
But I couldn’t protect her. As the oldest I always thought I’d go first
As I always had
But in time the natural order frays
Births, marriage, death
Anyone is fair game