Moving: What to Keep, What to Throw Away

These past weeks have been emotionally intense

It’s Complicated, Facebook might say

But not just in a relationship (or out of one). Life is complicated and I think half the struggle is trying to keep up

Simon started his new job on Monday. He arrived home Saturday night and left in the early hours of Sunday morning. Everything seemed to fly so quickly. It felt far from friendly, but if I know Simon this is because in so many respects there is so much not yet resolved

It has been difficult to know how to relate to people we know together. What can I say?

I don’t want them to think it is all my fault. That I am wrong, with my just-beginning-again eating; with my passion for my job and struggle to find my own life around it; with my need for neatness and for people to be there; with the Prozac that is just starting to level up in my blood again. I feel a lot more alive. A lot less dead and numb

Where does the blame lie? Is there blame?

Blame has been laid on my eating. On anxiety. But in that there was so much I was responsible for. I am packing for Simon, as he asked. Blame as a word is neutral and we turn it as we will. I don’t feel like it does any good in this though. It is not fair that I am packing his things; that I have paid the past fortnight’s rent for him; that I am responsible for selling his car. But I do not feel in this that the fault lies with me. We both have things to work on. Maybe to look at all these things he left behind for others to do is something Simon will see he needs to change. Maybe the fact that I do these things for him is something I need to work on.

It feels so much like with everything that happened

Between Theses; car thefts; medication changes; bills; break-ins; work; food; and life in general

It was only just getting to a time when love could grow back. It reminds me of the times I’ve had operations and waited so impatiently for hair (and strength) to come back. I feel sad that things seem to have ended just as they were starting again

But I remember too when Simon and I first got to know each other how desperate, yet unready we were for a relationship. And how in time that changed. We changed too. But people will always be different from one another- we have to find the common things. I hope we will again. I think we will. I miss the friendship most of all.

I am beginning to feel more confident in myself. I eat what I want, when I want. I am reading again. I am still struggling with studies- I wanted to throw it all in- but I think the main thing with struggles is that they continue. Not end. There is always a future then

So tomorrow I will go on packing

Picking. Finding what I need. But I will save things that hope lie in. Hope that they might come back. Not just engagement rings, but Cacti and books about life. Things like that. Things I know are right for me. Or the way to becoming so

Although there is DEFINITELY less pink, and more black in my life 😉

Hyper-speed: Inertia

Three night shifts and nine days down at work

A good start on my uni essay

Lunch of sorts done

Today has beat steady as a pendulum

While my mind has gone at hyper-speed. I’ve never been more terrified

Yet more determined

Simon got the job- I knew he would

Soon he will know when he starts. The contract will be on it’s way

While I stay here

We agreed on that for now. I understand his logic and while I am frightened of how fragile things are for him, I cannot ignore my own

Frailty. I could not have achieved a day as normal this date last year

Not without calorie counts

Checks

The fear of my own body is less

And the roar of what I might be able to achieve…..

My heart is with Simon

I’m terrified with him away he’ll find something more

Yet at the same time there was a tenderness there had not been in a long time. When we began

We went first in separate directions

Yet while trains, factories and exams held us apart

Words found their way

It’s an entity all of its own

Terror. My body is steady now,

Strong enough to keep vigil while I wonder where to go next

I think the step ahead is smaller than it seems

Just a heartbeat or two

A cup of tea; words in my essay

Life

I am determined with these simple, ordinary things

I will steady myself

Enough to make my way to you. As we did before

And will again

 

 

The Shape of Things

I’m watching the Walking Dead with Simon

We’ve just passed the part where the Governor’s daughter is killed

Not that she wasn’t dead already

Last year was like that

Nursing and trying to breathe life back into things but without any way of knowing how

I like to be hopeful, but I don’t know

I feel so lost

I don’t even know what next week will bring

But perhaps I’m better without this dead thing caged inside me

These past weeks it’s been terrifying

To feel hunger

To know love and what I truly do love

To feel “me”

I haven’t really been for so long

Perhaps it will be better this way

Like the jigsaw I’ve started, I might see things from above and perhaps

Perhaps

Now the pressure is off for Simon and I I see the Simon I haven’t seen for so long. I hope he can see me too. I am not the same

But I am still evolving

I cannot be the same

It’s not something you think about

At your smallest and sickest- what you will be when you grow

Physically I am far from that

Perhaps now I am grown

I can find room for flowering