Hollow

So much has happened

I should feel something

Anything more than ripples of feelings

Sometimes the stone thrown falls deeper

And the ripples take longer to settle

Their chaos does more to muddy

The debris

No tide has managed to shift

Yesterday I heard from insurance. One car settled. The money is there. Money comes and goes too, as it seems. It matters so little. I doesn’t make anything more certain

Impermanence is natural

But with my shunt and my pills

Neurosurgery

More

It all adds up so unnaturally inside us

What we can’t survive without we create

I am trying to find a way to get to my feet beyond the contrary callipers

Supporting my imperfections

I have made these supports mine

But still, they are made

They are not natural, but I hope they can still be strong

Where the fault lies inside

Is where it all goes numb and still…

There are too many feelings

I am full

And hollow with them

Loser

How dirty you can feel

Just for existing

It gnaws away like a knife

Right now I wish I could just break free

Of sinew and bone

I don’t deserve to live

I saw the work counsellor today. They asked a lot of questions about other things. It didn’t help much. It didn’t help Tim

Whose funeral is today. I missed it while I worked

They asked so many questions. I felt invaded. I let them lead me. I did not say all I needed

Loser

I cannot make things better for Simon

I feel frightened and it gets worse

I could hurt you, or someone else without meaning

I can’t hurt myself

So much isolation, but I can’t let others near

I cannot trust myself

I don’t feel like I have much left to lose right now

I don’t feel much at all

I don’t feel like anything can grow from me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-j5pF7ulTvo

Number of the Beast: How Can I Know What I Need to Know?

The words in my head have become so strong and powerful

Not words I can build with

Ones that scream and shriek

Filth

Nothing

DIE

Mostly they just scream and I am left with little safety

I am using my fitbit to help. If I know how many steps

If I know how many calories burned

Maybe it will help?

It terrifies me beyond belief that there is no ideal weight

I need certainty

But is it right?

To know the number of this beast?

Someone said something today which to me sounded as though I make A-Rex the centre of my world

Far from it.

I spend every second fighting

Over and over and over

There seems no escape

I am frightened of far more than numbers- although that fear makes the others easier to stomach. If I make it my focus so many things do not matter

Like what will happen with the situation with my car?

And whether the people who broke into my house will come back again?

Whether I have failed my university subject, or whether they MIGHT give me the opportunity to complete a special exam

Whether if I apply I might even have an opportunity at permanency in my job?

And whether even that will save us next year when the system changes?

Whether the guys I love will die without warning?

Or Simon; my pets; my friends…

Whether any of us are safe in this eggshell world?

Is there a number

Or any kind of certainty for that?

It terrifies me that any tiny move

Could change thing so completely

It terrifies me that people will see me as no more than the sum of my parts

Rather than what I have the potential to build

Maybe I will become nothing more than these half-constructed ruins

I feel shattered. If I had to give myself a value in this moment it would be infinitely less.

I am fighting “baddies” inside and out and whether or not I scrape, or scratch, or scream myself to pieces. I fear I might be gone already

Or the innocence I once had

And maybe that was all that made me good. I fear these answers, but the need to know them shadows every waking moment

I need something to hold onto

And right now numbers seem more certain than myself