Spirograph: Circles and Tangents

Ye

In retrospect so much has happened in the last year

I’ve long since shed the shell I wore then

I am bigger

Bolder. But I still flinch as invisible fingers point their shame

I still fear

But my joys and sorrows have changed their paths

The colours blur and we are one and the same

Though different

I washed my hands today and saw my reflection. I made myself look

I saw myself looking back. No monster

A year ago I would have run away

I remember that girl. Her body has broadened

There is a substance to her that is not self-hate, pain or fear

She is no longer identified for her bones. With herself or others

She lets others love and tries to return the favour as best she can

Sometimes it still feels like it is not enough

However as the fear of food and life has lessened

Other demons have grown

What is this fear of touch by men that takes my breath from me?

Inhale

Exhale

But again I become numb

And escape inside myself

Like the spidering web of a Spirograph moving inside and out

The lines of my life which run through one another

Their shapes and complexity

I have become a mother of sorts

I have counted and changed my chickens

Buried them even. It baffles me to think of the strange combinations of persons who came to my rescue

And I let them

The extent to which I have let people see me unmasked

Shaking

Crying

Gasping for air

Yet no one of them chose to slay me

Either I have made good choices or my soul is stronger than my shell

Perhaps both