For A Moment (I Am Not A Number)

Tonight I join Simon for icecream

After spending an hour in my garden

Sewing seeds

Planting

It’s lovely to see new growth

For perhaps an hour I didn’t check my step count on my Fitbit

Or worry about the numbers I am too terrified to check on the scales

For a moment

I watched my dogs cavort over stale bread

And focused on spreading the new calendula seeds

As I pulled out the old growth

I talked to Simon

He was listening to the cricket

We made small talk, but the awkwardness is gone

Yesterday I even told him how uncomfortable I feel in my recovered body

Although I’ve still no idea why it makes me feel so vulnerable. It’s true I may never know. I think I can live with that

The fear is not knowing why

In this moment I can be so calm and lucid

The next swept away without being able to anticipate why

As I was in the supermarket today

And walking, feeling my legs brush together in my skirt

It’s a biological process

The key- to catch myself before I slip to far

Again I am in a moment

Like any, capable of snowballing

Until I am swept away.

In this moment I am tired

I ate icecream

And am forcing myself to sit with the feeling of my body

Simon is in his office

We will go to bed soon

In a moment

Then another

This day will be over

But for now

I am just myself

Return to Life

I never thought it would be like this. People talk about awakening as they recover from an eating disorder. There is no loss. The purpose of life is real enough.

For me it feels more like what I have read of returning from a war. I am not the same. There are so many, many places I have been I cannot describe

The thrill (almost fever) of semi-starvation

The breaking and mending of my body and will

Finding a comforter in the loneliness

I feel lost in my civilian clothes- they fit more tightly than before

As I fight my body and mind not to betray me (though betrayal is different for these two factions and different again when they come together)

I still hear the drums of war

The fear and loss I feel is part of that

But I’ve lost my cloak and feel without it I wander between

Life and A-Rex and don’t quite connect to either

Like some other-worldly thing

I’m connecting with Simon

Though we are in different rooms

It is safe to wander between and talk

Just normal talk about the dog

Tomorrow

Bed

Dinner

It still feels frighteningly uncertain

And on a bad day (for him or me)

I need to know it will be better

Returning to life brings a lot of feelings and confusion

I know I need to face them rather than hide

It’s overwhelming, but I ate every meal and more today

It’s not automatic. But I guess I’ve learned that life isn’t either

 

 

 

Stand Alone

This morning I began the day opening the blinds in the kitchen

The light had just begun to filter in

I stood a minute before I went to see what would happen next. I love to hold that first light in my eyes as I finish a night shift

Over the past months particularly it’s occurred to me just how often I really do stand alone like this. I always have.

I had a call from my mother today. She and my sister were at the hospital with my father. Three days out of a triple bypass and he is back

Complaining about the shoddy hospital food. I could hear my mother and sister flitting in the background. The chatter and banter when they are together is so different to the directed conversations we have

Still

I think I like my place, slightly separate. I like that I can see the world differently. That I can make my own choices. That I know I can find my own path, but mostly

I like to watch

Often, in the midst of groups and conversations I feel like I drift from myself. I am no longer the observer. Maybe there is a way to be both at the same time

And still stand alone. In some respects

I like the peace; the feeling I can make it all happen

Yesterday I had a counseling session. I broached again the topic of my body and the fear I feel when others too can see the shape of my body. I don’t know why I favour androgyny for myself. I always have. I don’t know why I feel so much fear when others remark. Or why I would rather hide

Why I want to go back to restricting. I spoke about memories I have retrieved in the past. I’m not an avid believer in “repressed” memories but there have been times when I have remembered something that can be confirmed separately. Usually I don’t have to ask. There are many things hidden in my family, but as we acknowledged I might never find out anything for sure.

There might not even be anything. This is the conclusion I tend towards. Whatever the real conclusion I have two choices

I can learn to settle the screaming in my mind

To find peace

Comfort

Or I can give in

It’s that simple

Happy Enough: Sometimes It’s Just Hard to See (Through Others’ Eyes)

I’ve been watching my new fish in his tank

As always I’m so frightened he’ll get ill

Or die. And there will be nothing I can do. Every time I see him at the bottom of the tank I stop for a second

But he seems happy. Perhaps he is, but I can’t see it because I cannot understand his world. It’s why I worry he might die.

Really this applies to everyone

Who is not us. This not knowing exactly. We can form connections

This is what I’m listening to a lecture about

Gemeinschaft:- our community and the world we understand most closely.

This year I nearly lost my closest link

Simon….

I am trying to learn him again, as he lets me in

Some things are the same

Some things we will always have as differences

I want that too

I always have

Through my guys and my work I am learning

That what makes others happy might not always be transient

For us. I wish I knew how to make Simon happy

How to be happy in myself

Maybe I can’t

We can’t yet

Because we don’t know

Perhaps happiness is a spectrum

Perhaps we are not as far from the centre as we feel

 

Design Your Own Superheroine

Putting everything back together

I’ve been thinking a lot about design- the lay of things

So to speak.

Tonight

I moved the lanterns I had hanging in my office

Into the room where I sleep. My desk is there too

The fingerprint dust still makes patches on the draws

I’m trying so hard to to find that feeling

To make things mine again

Problem is I don’t feel like “mine” right now

My body feels like a foreign land

My breasts are bigger

My legs

My arms

I don’t feel like me

But before

When A-Rex was screaming inside me every second

I was joking with a friend about mowing my lawn

It’s the first time I’ve managed to mow our entire double block since we moved in. My neighbour said I looked determined when he saw me mowing

I was

I felt like Wonder Woman

That’s what I told my friend. Wonder Woman, but with better pants

I said that I had also walked more than 15000 steps- over 10km

My friend joked that she was sure Wonder Woman

Would not feel limited or compelled

By the number of steps

Or the length of her gait

I said that Wonder Woman had her faults too

Everyone does

But that MY superhero would have better pants

And the rose

I am known for

I guess with the lanterns in my bedroom

The crystals I keep in my pocket

The ice cream I chose and fought to have for supper

With Amarula. Because I could

I can design my own Superheroine

She will have faults. I unravelled today

Over half a rum ball, offered to me by a friend at work

But hopefully she will handle them with grace

The lady I worked with had a bad day too

We stopped many times

I told her that we wanted people to admire us for our beauty

Not for the spectacle we could make if we screamed

Grace

Is my middle name

It’s also what I strive (and often fail to be)

I need to make it

Like my house

Built from scraps, spare dollars, victories

And of circumstance

Circumstance is what makes us all

And some, like realising my own hunger (for many things as well as food)

Make me increasingly anxious

I am yet to feel

That what I am is right for me

I guess that will take time

Before I’m ready to fly

And save the world from mass destruction

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVhNCTH8pDs

In the meantime

I’ll wear my rose

Blossom: In Search of Courage

I hate the curve of my hips

My breasts are full again

I’m coming to life again

Fully to life

But I’m so numb

And the screaming inside…

Around me life is starting to blossom

Simon and I had breakfast out today and I chose something that scared me senseless and had little nutritional value- but did taste really nice

I slept more than half the day on my day off

I am planning time to begin my final semester before I can start my Masters in Social Work. Some days I even feel a little hope that I might be able to do these things

We are talking about moving the futon back to the lounge room on the weekend. Simon and I

But these new branches seem so tenuous

I’m still looking back

Wondering if the whole on me can still come crashing down

I feel very fragile

I know

Deep down it frightens me to the core

What I could be beyond this?

I keep up the fight

Every day

I eat

I sleep- when I can

I try to make sure I do the things I should

It all feels a bit like a masquerade

But still

Every day I pick up my mask ready to battle

I hope I can find the courage to truly move beyond this

You could say I have before

But really it is only because I have always known

I could return to A-Rex

I do not want to live this life

And to die… it feels like I will not be able to give all that I can

I am struggling to walk away though

The petals begin to unfold

But I am still trapped in your winter

Yahtzee

It’s chance that I can’t stand

Even the chance that things could get better

Right now the dice are loaded

But until they fall

I won’t know my fate

Simon is sleeping in the house

I am still in the spare room

But it’s a start!

There are permanencies with work

I am having fun with my guys- but because of how well I know them

The job could be mine

If I could find the energy to apply

My garden is starting to grow

Slowly

I’m so frightened the seeds will never come to light

If I roll the dice

And the result is worse than when I began?

What if all we ever roll on in life

Is just a guess?

I’m not sleeping well again

And jump at the slightest noise

I’m eating too much

I wish I could find a way I knew was safe

But this week I need to get it together again

However I roll